Beer that Team Grumpy can't drink

Team Grumpy has noted this now resolved lawsuit between energy drink company Red Bull and a microbrewery operating under the name Redwell. Apparently Red Bull are happy that the brewery can continue operating as long as they don't move into the energy drink business (Red Bull ends dispute with Redwell brewery in Norwich).

Team Grumpy does recognise the magnanimity in this decision, but clearly also notes that since beer is the team's energy drink, Team Grumpy riders will obviously be unable to consume this stuff for fear of getting the brewery into trouble with the energy drink titan.

Just to clarify Team Grumpy's position, neither Red Bull not Redwell are official Team Grumpy energy drink.

Return to Racing

After what seems like an age, the respective members of Team Grumpy have at last started racing again. However, certainly in my case the term should be treated as a liberally applied - rather than literally applied - one. After my slowest ever 25 mile TT (which to be fair was in the Brecon Beacons on a very windy day), I managed to set my fastest time for 10 miles for two seasons. This, though, was still an embarrassingly poor time (which I am not going to reveal) and says more about how many 10s I ride and how bad I am at this shorter distance. But training has gone well recently and the results do show an improvement.

As is usual when things are not going especially well, I have invested in some new kit: a very neat set of Zipp handlebars and a Dura Ace chainset to replace the Campag (which I simply could not stop from 'clunking').

Grumpy Bob has had disruption after disruption to his planned season but now has at least had a couple decent outings on his new power-tap disc wheel. The results are encouraging, if not spectacular. Could this all be part of a masterplan to build gradually for the end of September and hit top form at the Duo Normand? Let's hope so.

Talking of the Duo Normand, I see entries are promised to be open 'very soon'. Somehow, though, it all seems to be a long way off still. Maybe that's just as well.

Omnishambles averted

Team Grumpy has averted their first omnishambles of the 2013 season.

As usual, Team Grumpy's first 2-up scheduled in the season was the Port Talbot Wheelers '25'. Usually held in the first weekend in March, this year's event was a week or two later. This should have offered an opportunity for Grumpy Bob and 'Grumpy' Art Vanderlay to recoup some of the fitness lost through winter illness. Alas, this appeared something of a delusion, with both riders bitterly reporting lack of form. Recent weeks have seen dark mutterings of faked 'mechanicals' as a a means of saving face should the team under-perform.

In the end, Team Grumpy evaded an omnishambles by the simple expedient of opting for a monoshambles. This took the form of a recurrence of Grumpy Bob's lower back pain to such a degree that riding (let alone racing) was judged completely impossible.

Grumpy Bob did actually try racing a week ahead of the Port Talbot Wheelers event, but this did not go well.

Team Grumpy protests: "We never drank 'energy drink' while racing"

Team Grumpy has noted that among the truly epic landslide of doping confessions (mostly from now-retired riders, we note), Michael Boogerd has finally come clean (Boogerd confesses to doping in television interview - Cyclingnews.com). Boogerd confesses to doping for a decade in the professional peloton. However, he does still seem quite delusional about what doping's for, as he's quoted as asserting he always rode the Tour de France clean:

Boogerd, now 40, said that he didn't use doping products while he was racing the Tour de France, instead - "It was in periods, usually periods of training in preparation for competitions. I have always ridden the Tour clean."

So it's OK to dope in training and in preparation for an event, as long as you don't dope during the event. Oh well, that's clear. As mud.

All this brings to mind the Team Grumpy 'energy drink' scenario. Team Grumpy can confidently assert that the riders have not consumed 'energy drink' while actually competing in 2-up time trials. The riders, however, are willing to confess to 'energy drink' consumption prior to and following competition. The Team Grumpy Manager is mostly concerned that pre- and post-competition 'energy drink' consumption is actually detrimental to performance, and that not putting 'energy drink' in the Team Grumpy bidons could be seen as performance-enhancing. Oh what a muddled and confused world we live in.

Team Grumpy 'must pull themselves together'

News reaches Team Grumpy HQ that the Chief of Luxembourg Cycling has told Radioshack-Leopard rider Andy Schleck he must pull himself together after a winter in which he didn't work hard enough (Luxemburg cycling chief: Andy Schleck must pull himself together | CyclingNews.com).

By an astonishing coincidence both riders in Team Grumpy have likewise seen (albeit less unaccountable) loss of form during the off-season, and are expected to experience a serious motivational speech from the Team Manager when the team regroups for the annual embarrassment that is the first 2-up of the season. Both Grumpy Bob and 'Grumpy' Art Vanderlay have apparently been exchanging plaintive text messages in a vain attempt to explain their lack of early season form. In particular, they both claim to have been ill for what seems like an eternity. The Team Manager is expected to demand doctors' notes for both riders.

On the other hand, it may be worth noting Team grumpy Rule #1:

Remember to make your excuses before the race, not after. Otherwise it will just sound pathetic.

Aargh! Another Team Grumpy omnishambles to come?

Team Grumpy has been neglecting this blog of late. Partly that because both riders have been astonishingly busy, but it's also because both riders have been laid low with what appears to be the same illness. Before anyone's tongues wag too fast, Team Grumpy would like to observe that both riders have been located at the opposite ends of the country since the TG omnishambles that was The 2012 Duo Normand.

For both 'Grumpy' Art and Grumpy Bob were afflicted by a ghastly feverish heavy cough that lasted about two weeks in Grumpy Bob's case, but a bit less for 'Grumpy' Art, who sought medical assistance. In any event, both suffered an extended period of post-viral fatigue that has kept TG from training for about 5 weeks.

With the now traditional first TG 2-up of the season looming in about 6 weeks time, it merely remains for TG to discover whether their form will bounce back or, more likely, grovel back. 'Grumpy' Art has already started making his excuses, thereby following Team Grumpy Rule #1 "Remember to make your excuses before the race, not after. Otherwise it will just sound pathetic" with extraordinary enthusiasm. He also made grim references to faking a mechanical in this year's Port Talbot Wheelers 2-up '25' (the event in question).

Duo Normand omnishambles

Well, Team Grumpy didn't approach the 2012 edition of the Duo Normand time trial with great expectations, which was probably a good thing as their performance was somewhat lack-lustre. In large part Team Grumpy can blame problems with work-life balance causing problems with training, and of course Grumpy Bob had that crash while racing only a few weeks before the Duo.

To this can be added travel woes caused by the Brittany Ferries strike. But that's all a bit like contravening TG rule #1 (Remember to make your excuses before the race, not after. Otherwise it will just sound pathetic.) and Team Grumpy absolutely doesn't want to sound pathetic. Add to this Grumpy Bob bringing a spare rear wheel that lacked a cassette and 'Grumpy' Art's embarrassingly out-of whack rear mech (of which more later), and the team's preparation can be seen to lack attention. Readers might choose to have a look at the TeamGrumpy twitter feed for the weekend.

On the day, conditions were decidedly cool, but it was dry (in direct contrast to the 2011 event) and with only the lightest of breezes. So, ideal conditions.

Lining up near the start ramp, Team Grumpy was delighted to attract admiring glances from two lady riders. Opening conversation, it turned out they thought the TG bikes were pretty spiffy (not their actual word, you understand). Unfortunately for Team Grumpy's easily bruised masculine egos, when the observation was made that the bikes might be good but the engines were not, the ladies commented they were only interested in the bikes. Subdued by this conversation, Grumpy Bob and 'Grumpy' Art made their way to the start ramp.

And off they went. Narrowly avoiding a start ramp collision, and up the lane. Near the top, 'Grumpy' Art detected the stirrings of overdoing it, and the team successfully eased back momentarily. Before long the pace elevated and we began the usual task of reeling in earlier teams. For the most part the early km went well, will little interference from cars (though Grumpy Bob had to bellow at one car to get out of the way to let Team Grumpy).

Team Grumpy's pace slipped once the hilly sections started, and the riders were caught for four minutes by the Procycling team. 'Grumpy' Art's rear mech issues caused him to repeatedly drift off the back on some of the climbs, on the positive side, his usually craven approach to descents was absent and he made an excellent job of the famous 'ghoul corner' - the fast descent with a sharp left turn. The Team rounded the square into Marigny in good style. It would be nice to report that Team Grumpy cornered to tumultuous applause, but in all honesty it has to be said that our heroes were met with near complete indifference. Still, at least there was photographer there to capture us.

Team Grumpy pass through Marigny to the complete indifference of the less than enormous crowd.

The final section of the course is a hairpin section of road. Here Grumpy Bob and 'Grumpy' Art seemed to alternate between exhaustion and second (and third and fourth...) wind. At times high speed was reached, at others merely a grovellingly low speed. Eventually Team Grumpy raced through the finish line, though 'Grumpy' Art made his final dash some metres before the actual finish line.

The result was 1:26:12, for 6th place in the Corporate category. This was Team Grumpy's slowest time in nine outings at the Duo Normand and quite disappointing. What was alarming was the official result sheet as first released, which had Team Grumpy in first place with 1:16:12. What made this alarming was the potential for embarrassment, since two teams had caught Team Grumpy. Perhaps it was our grumpy heroes' faulty French, but it took a surprisingly long time to persuade the organisers that their time needed 10 more minutes to be added on, but eventually a new results sheet was issued.